One Day My Soul Just Opened Up

Roxi

Kicking back after finals is going to be a challenge, as my mind seems to never want to quit.  But the next month shall be constructively used for finishing Book Two – “The Mirror Sliver” of my Legends of Green Isle Series and preparing for a History Conference in Dahlonega in which I’ll be presenting a paper on the Colors and Cockades of the French Revolution.

While rattling around the house today, and fixing the Christmas tree, because two very playful little puppies decided to introduce themself to lights and beads, blowing out half the strand, I started organizing a lot of my history books and other stuff, and found something that didn’t belong with them.  Tucked away on top of some of the books,  I came across a brand new book which I don’t remember buying called “One Day My Soul Just Opened Up”  by Iyanla Vanzant.  The caption above the title read “40 Days and 40 Nights toward Spiritual Strength and Personal Growth.”  It caught my attention.

Lately I’ve been having a feeling that my spiritual growth has been a little stunted.  Seems my joy has been in the lacking department too.  I find myself crying at weird things, and I know my boyfriend probably thinks I’ve gone a little insane.  I have really been talking with God lately about the issue because I THINK I’ve gone a little insane.  God’s answers seem to come in little things like a page I’ll read in an article, a phrase I overhear from a conversation, and I think the discovery of this book too.  The author begins her introduction with writing about how she discovered the truth out about her “so perfect” life in the middle of night, as she slept. The reality of it, was her life was not what she told herself it was.  Here let me quote something from the book:

“The feelings of misery, confusion, and despair began to grow like an annoying fungus in my mind.  My thinking was fuzzy. I was snapping at people.  I had become professionally aggressive and competitive to the point of being combative.  Each day, I would push myself to exhaustion so that no more truth could be, would be, revealed to me when I was sleeping.  I clung to the relationship {talking about her boyfriend here who was a married man} believing that if it ended, I would surely lose my mind.  It did. And I did. I lost the mind that had kept me in denial for the better part of my life. I lost the mind that was so full of distortions, half-truths, and the ideas of others that if fed my misery like a ravenous dog. I lost the mind that was angry at my mother, hated my father, resented my brother, wanted to control everything and everybody in its midst that could in any way hurt me. At the time, I didn’t realize what was going on.  I thought I was having a string of bad luck. As I watched my life fall to pieces, I did what any mindless person would do.  I got totally pissed off! It is called temporary insanity.” (pg 11)

This particular paragraph reminded me of a time before my wonderful Henderson came into my life.  I was at this point about three years ago when my life fell apart.  This paragraph reminded me of that shift when I began shedding all the things I covered up in my mind, exposing to myself mis-truths about my life, hanging onto the notion that I could control the outcome of my existence, and believing that the bad relationship I was in, was good.  I moved into that temporary insanity position and remained pissed off for about a year.

My life continues to evolve.  I believe that we humans all are in a great process of finding Truth. I think I am feeling stunted in growth right now, because there is a lingering Untruth  I am hanging onto too at this moment.  The unwanted crying is my soul’s process of shedding those layers, peeling them off until that Untruth is exposed, bared for me to see in all its horror, so that the joy of knowing the real Truth can be experienced.

I leave you with this wonderful poem by Ms. Vanzant.  Dedicated today to my friend Phyllis, who believes in some crazy notion that I am inspirational.  Hugs to you P.

One day my soul just opened up

and things started happenin’

things I can’t quite explain

I mean

I cried and cried like never before

I cried tears of ten thousand mothers

I couldn’t even feel anything because

I cried ’til I was numb.

One day my soul just opened up

I felt this overwhelming pride

what I was proud of

only God knows!

Like the price of a hundred thousand fathers

basking in the glory of their newborn sons

I was grinnin’ from ear to ear.

One day my soul just opened up

I started laughing

and I laughed for what seemed like forever

wasn’t nothin’ particularly funny goin’ on

but I laughed anyhow

I laughed the joy of a million children playin’

in the mud

I laughed ’til my sides ached

Oh God! It felt so good!

One day, my soul just opened up

There were revelations, annihilations, and resolutions

feelings of doubt and betrayal, vengeance and forgiveness

memories of things I’d seen and done before

of places I’d been, although I didn’t know when

there were lives I’d lived

people I’d loved

battles I’d fought

victories I’d won

and wars I’d lost.

One day My soul just opened up

and out poured all the things

I’d been hiding

and denying

and living through

that had just happened moments before.

One day, my soul just opened up

and I decided

I was good and ready!

I was good and ready to surrender

my life

to God.

So with my soul wide open,

I sat down

wrote Her a note

and told her so.

[by Gemmia L. Vanzant]

Glad I’m not the only who realizes God is a woman. 🙂

Pink Floyd’s Comfortably Numb – Living Life and Your Dreams

For some strange reason this song has been stuck in my head for two days.  I have not heard it on the radio or anything, it just popped up in my head.  I actually believe it was in one my dreams the more I think about it.
Hello?
Is there anybody in
there?
Just nod if you can hear me.
Is there anyone at home?
Come on,
now,
I hear you’re feeling down.
Well I can ease your pain
Get you on
your feet again.
Relax.
I’ll need some information first.
Just the
basic facts.
Can you show me where it hurts?

There is no pain you are
receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming through
in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
When I was a
child I had a fever
My hands felt just like two balloons.
Now I’ve got
that feeling once again
I can’t explain you would not understand
This is
not how I am.
I have become comfortably numb.

O.K.
Just a little
pinprick.
There’ll be no more aaaaaaaaah!
But you may feel a little
sick.
Can you stand up?
I do believe it’s working, good.
That’ll keep
you going through the show
Come on it’s time to go.

There is no pain
you are receding
A distant ship, smoke on the horizon.
You are only coming
through in waves.
Your lips move but I can’t hear what you’re saying.
When
I was a child
I caught a fleeting glimpse
Out of the corner of my
eye.
I turned to look but it was gone
I cannot put my finger on it
now
The child is grown,
The dream is gone.
I have become comfortably
numb.

Pink Floyd’s lyrics are actually quite deep when you read them.  Back when I was younger, we all thought this song had something to do with drugs, but as I got older and into college, in one of my English classes, we actually took it out and dissected it.  What we discovered in some of the discussions was this song mimics how some people look at life.  Going through the motions of living does not actually mean you are living, you become “comfortably numb” to what surrounds you.  The last couple of lines are the clincher, “the child is grown, the dream is gone, I have become comfortably numb.”

This song is very important to me in a strange little way, because for about a period of 12 years I was pretty “comfortably numb” to my life.  The things I dreamed about as a child, {being an author, teaching, graduating from college, my PhD} got left by the side of the road, and the harshness of life took control.  It was not until I made a move to Georgia back in 2003 that things started to come together, and I realized that I let the dream go, and was too “comfortably numb.”  I wanted it back, I wanted me back.

Moving up to the North Georgia Mountains was good for me and my children.  We stepped away from the hustle of big city life and took on a simpler country life.  I realized then simple is better. {My children would disagree sometimes, but that is youth.}  I let go of materialism, a six figure salary, bad karma, bad men, destructive behaviors and embraced love, life, my children, and compassion.  It changed me, and I found my dreams again.

So I challenge you to look upon the song, and then look upon yourself, have you become “comfortably numb?”