Is there time?

Lost upon a path
Shadowed by fear, uncertainty
Feeling forgotten and alone,
Wondering, wondering
Is there time?

Seeing, yet not touching
Hearing, but not speaking
Feeling, yet not finding, that kindred soul.
Wondering, wondering
Is there time?

Memories masked with anger
Some made not at all.
Have we crossed that threshold?
Wondering, wondering
Is there time?

I shall remember
broken with age
love bittersweet
Wondering, wondering
Is there time?

The Big Fat Italian Rehearsal Dinner: Reflections of a Part-Time Bartender

Rehearsal DinnerI love Italians.  They certainly know how to throw a Wedding Rehearsal Dinner party. 

Working at the Vineyard part-time, I’ve come to be involved in the summer time events, especially the weddings and rehearsal dinners.  Last night we held a rehearsal dinner get-together for about 96 people, half of them Italians.  I think what really stuck with me about this particular dinner what the fact that we ran out of food.  We’ve never done that. I know, it’s not a laughing matter when you’re trying to make a great impression.  Poor chef just about fell out on the floor in horror.  (I should have told him that I was once engaged to an Italian, and you need about double the food.  They like to eat.)

Needless to say the evening ended up going well.  Chef just whipped up some more things to put out and everyone was drunk and happy.  What impressed me about this evening was the toasts that were made to the bride and groom.  The bride was from the Italian side of the group and the groom looked like a farm fed Illinois boy.  Apparently though she travels a lot and many people came from far and wide to be with them at this special occasion.  Her father, ‘Daddy Italian’ made a beautiful toast to her and his father, and then broke down in the midst of it in tears, kissing his father on the forehead.  This is why I love Italians.  They’re never afraid of emotions.  While they may be loud, everything is out there in the open.  Laughter, tears, love, joy, the whole kit and kaboodle.  It certainly made me a little misty eyed last night too.

Hooray for big fat Italian rehearsal dinners. (Tip wasn’t bad either for this bartender.)

A Reflection on 2012: And the World didn’t End!

100_2286I don’t know if you are like me, but I always reflect upon the year as it’s closing. I think I do this to see what I’ve learned, how I’ve behaved (did I do it badly?), how I’ve helped or assisted others, and is there a possiblity to grow in some aspect of my life. 2012 seems to have been a year of change for me. I’ve discovered things about myself, saw things about my relationship with Kevin in a new light, figured out that my path was destined to go a course I had no control over, and finally understood why people cling to material objects instead of each other.

I find it ironic that many people thought 2012 was the end of the world.  I watched the shows on History Channel which claimed this year, on 12/21/12, doomsday would happend.  It reminded me of periods in history when there were many predictions about the world ending, and yet all that happened was a change in the course of human events.  The world has been here for many millions of years, humans here for about 450,000 years and while the sun may be throwing out some mega solar storms, the human race is in no fear of being wiped from this planet.

2012 is a year of closing.  Our little solar system has revolved around our orbit of the center of the galaxy in it’s approx 26,000 year cycle.  The stars are now back to where they were in the sky 26,000 years ago, and we’ve entered into a new phase of human evolution…hopefully.  There seems to be a marked balance of people who have become aware of this and those who have not.  I would label it a fight between darkness and light, evil and good…you get the picture.  I can see it in their eyes sometimes.  There is either a hint of joy or the darkness of oppression.  I feel sad for those of the latter.

Lucky and I sat together the other day on the bed.  He looking at me and me looking at him.  (This was after our big Christmas dinner in which Kevin’s daughter Carleigh would have said we had food babies).  He and I made a pact that since the world didn’t end, we would venture out together to enjoy walks in the mountains like we used to do before I started back to school.  I also told myself that this next year, 2013, would be a year in which my life would not belong to me.  It would belong to others.  2013 is a year in which I will become a servent of others: my students, my children, my parents, my friends, those I know and those I don’t know.  I will strive to be a giver and not a taker.  Make changes for the betterment of the world and it’s people, and cling not to material things, but to those I love.

I’m glad the world didn’t end, because I’ve got a whole lot of living left to do.

A Letter to My Children

My dearest children:

This letter is to all of you, whether I birthed you or not.  It is a letter of love and of gratitude for being so special that you’ve come into my life to make me a better person.  While there may have been times you thought I was a villain, it was only because I loved you enough to let you know I thought maybe, just maybe, you weren’t making a wise decision.  But even when those decisions have been unwise, I’ve had your back, always and forever.

Maybe there were times I was preachy, and you didn’t appreciate it.  I understand.  I’ve been there before, when I was your age, and I thought I understood how the world worked.  As I grew up, I found out the hard way that I really didn’t know much of anything.  I only wanted to save you from tears, heart breaks, hurtful relationships, unkind people, con artists and jerks.  Yet, I know now that the circle of life includes these types of hard experiences. They are there, to prepare you, for the time when you look at your own children and want to save them too.

I’ve been there for you.  I hope that my example of hard work, diligence and responsibility didn’t go unnoticed, because I’ve always tried, to the best of my ability, to make sure you’ve had what you needed.  My love is unfathomable and will ever be so, for a mother’s love never dies or goes away.  Having you to care for, has been the greatest joy that I could ever imagine.

My only advice to you as you mature is simple: Remain true to yourself and never forget, when you shake someone’s hand, look them in the eye.  Everyone needs to feel like they matter.

Love, Mom.

A Journey with Life’s Pen.

We all start out in the world, naked.  A clean slate in which life dabs a pen and begins to write.  It’s a unique experience being a part of life’s story.  We all are in one big book that keeps going on and on.  It doesn’t stop when I die, it gets carried on in a sequel with my children and their children, and the generations who come down the road.  What makes our journey interesting is how we develop our character in the story.  Are we the villain or the hero? Or do we just stand at the sideline and watch the story proceed without really making any worthwhile contribution?  Should I re-read my story written by life, I hope I see some great chapters, some that make you cry and some that make you laugh.   And some most special ones that just can’t be repeated in anybody else story.

Monday Morning Bliss: A Reflection on the Movie “Larry Crowne.”

Who says wealth is determined by how much money you have?

I gave up on material things a long time ago.  As I left behind the big city, the six figure salary, and headed to the mountains of North Georgia, I also gave up the burden of trying to accumulate material wealth.  It really didn’t make me very happy.  Now I have to admit that my soul battled with my physical self everyday at the beginning. It didn’t like the fact that I shopped at thrift stores (I call it recycled clothes) and that  I took small jobs, like washing cars and reception work to make ends meet, but my physical self soon got into sync and realized that I had no more need for big cars, fancy jewelry, designer clothes and so forth.  This desire soon faded, along with the memory of big city life.

This particular Monday morning I woke up and felt a rush of contentment at my life.  As I kissed Henderson (my boyfriend) goodbye, I thought about all the wonderful things I have which doesn’t require money to buy.  Our life here at the little yellow cabin in the mountains is simple ….and complete.  I guess this reflection came from watching the movie “Larry Crowne” last night.  For those of you who haven’t seen it, you should.  It’s about regeneration in life, even when you’re middle-aged.  I could relate to that movie, because that’s what happened to me and Henderson. (Although I believe Kev was there a lot sooner than I was.)  I also related to the main character of the movie because he went back to college and re-invented himself.  Being around the young people of Young Harris College opened my eyes to the fact that while I am in my late forties, age should not be a limiting factor to the things I wish to experience and accomplish.  While my body may think it’s old, my mind disagrees.

While working at a wedding this past Saturday at Crane Creek Vineyards I saw this little boy down in the vineyards with his grandpa.  It was dusk and the bright green of the grape vines had darken to an emerald shade with the setting sun.  Lightening bugs were out, their small points of lights dancing around the rows of the plants, and here he was, arms thrust high in the air twirling around with them.  It held my attention for a while, because he laughed and laughed, a burst from his heart.  I smiled.  Inside I knew how he felt, because that’s what I feel like doing here in our little piece of the woods.  I just want to simply dance with the lightening bugs.

So this Monday morning, I give thanks for all the wonderful people I have in my life, for my two small little jobs which give me great enjoyment, for the ability to further my education, for my garden and my flowers, for the cars which work, for the shelter little yellow cabin gives us, for the ability to see and hear, and most importantly for the love from my children, my family and Kevin Henderson.  I found heaven in the bliss of our simple life.

“Closer to the Clouds”

For Kevin Henderson

Closer to the Clouds

It is the rustling of the wind,

or,

perhaps the play of trees.

The gentle sound of a hushed whisper,

coming up over the mountain yonder way.

Movement in rolling waves,

as the breeze caresses the tops of Maples

Oaks, the Pine which stole a spot not meant for it.

Laying here with you, I watch the sun dance

the light ripple through the green veined leaves,

as we sway in the gentle hold of the twisted rope.

Should we go?

Our feet do not move from their slight slumber,

instead lie in quiet contentment.

Lightening bugs begin to play across the lawn,

creating a show of lights

They match the beat of your heart,

as I rest upon your chest.

Just one minute then we shall go.

For the chorus of the frogs,

will sing the end of day,

as we sleep closer to the clouds.