It was weird, but the same morning that this tragedy happened, an hour and a half before the gunman made his way into the Elementary school, I stood in the shower wondering to myself what would happen if a gunman entered the high school where I would be student teaching. I asked myself what I would do? How I would act? Would there be time to react?
I’ve already stared at the barrel of a gun. Back in 2000 when I lived in Houston, Texas, I was followed home one night after work and car-jacked and kidnapped in my driveway. It wasn’t a pleasant situation. I remember thinking to myself, preparing to die, “I didn’t get to tell my children I love them.” Long story short, I survived. It made sense several months later when they caught up with these boys who did this. They were high school kids who did this to lots of other women, and they lived on the good part of town. It was all a game, just for kicks.
But this shooting…this shooting makes no sense. Most of the victims were 6 and 7. Babies. The adults who perished were teachers and administrators who devoted their lives to these babies. They gave their lives trying to protect the youngsters. How could anyone shoot babies? It’s evil of the blackest kind. Only a mind totally disturbed and overtaken by darkness would venture to do this.
Two nights before this day, I had one of those nights where I didn’t sleep well. I was constantly fighting something in my dreams that was evil and dark. I remember dreaming that I was awake, and yet, knowing at the same time that I was asleep and dreaming. In the corners of the bedroom was a dark shadow and it kept moving around. I remember praying for protection. I called Kevin’s name over and over again trying to get him to wake up. Then this thing and I were at the end of the bed. It threw me off, but before I hit the floor, I made myself rise up and lunge for it. Suddenly I was over Kevin and he was awake but it wasn’t him. The voice wasn’t his. Whatever this thing was, it only masked itself as Kevin. It asked me what I wanted. I said “I want to wake up.” This Kevin look-like sat up and turned to me. It’s eyes were black and the evil that came from them made me so afraid that I did wake up, as I cried out in my sleep.
When I saw the news about these shootings, I thought about that dark thing in my dreams. Was this something of a warning? Is this the type of darkness that took over that young man who murdered those babies and women?
This world has become full of darkness, killings and death. Can we battle this, can we wake up from this awful dream? I feel like I should be doing something, like an archangel preparing for battle. I feel like I should be trying to make more of an impact in turning our world around but I don’t know where to start. The shootings at Newtown just took the wind out of my sail. I just want to wake up from a world where babies die needlessly, not just in Newtown, but everywhere in this world. I just want to wake up.